Feeling alive for the first time

self love - fly be free

I was 23 and feeling frustration with life; feelings of being trapped, rejected, uncertain, alone, and so so uncomfortable in my body. I hated my body at the time. I perceived myself as fat and within that context I was super critical of everything my body was. I also, at the time projected all my emotions and self-hatred onto my body and it manifested so intensely, I felt like I was crawling out of my skin, going out of my mind. 

I didn’t, at the time, even recognize or know, that what I was feeling was symptoms of anxiety and depression. I was just trying to survive. Just trying to make it through each moment, each hour, and complete what I had to do for whatever load I was carrying. I worked full time, I went to college full time, and well, I struggled with life full time. 

I don’t remember how I found this place, maybe someone suggested it? Though none of my friends at the time would have, as they weren’t into this exactly. Maybe a customer I had waited on? Whatever the case, I walked into my first Baptiste Power Yoga Studio, NH Power Yoga, one day and I came out changed. And I mean CHANGED.

The practice is physical enough and flowing enough that I have never gotten bored with it, key for me. Nor did it make me sit in a pose, which most likely would have been uncomfortable for me, and allow me to sink into all that negative thinking. It moved my body and because I had to focus on each pose, what the teacher was queueing next, for the 75 minutes I was in practice, my mind was clear. It was a haven. AANND, the teachers would leave me thinking, when is it okay to physically lean into my resistance and when to back away? Teaching me more about my bodies capabilities and also planting a seed in my mind about leaning into discomfort for growth. 

But what made me fall in LOVE with yoga? It connected me back with my body and for the first time in my life I felt not just good, but fantastic, alive, vibrant, and I started to follow that feeling. Why feel miserable and bad about myself when I could feel this alive? I would get such a natural, amazing high from yoga. It would last hours. People used to ask me at the time, what I was taking? Because they wanted some too. When they heard my response, they were not overly excited to jump on a mat next to me. 

I also started to talk with and connect with the yoga community at my studio. They were kind, friendly, supportive, helpful, and just so welcoming. The yoga studio became a retreat from my life, as the people outside of the studio didn’t feel safe to me.  

Within this context, I credit yoga for literally shifting my life, from following the path of discomfort and negative thinking, to physically feeling alive, so alive I stopped smoking because that no longer felt good and made more life changes. I started to search at the minimalistic level for what felt good; which has only continued to expand exponentially. 

Now, I have had an interesting relationship with yoga as the years have passed. Another story pehaps?  As the glow of yoga shifted for me from something new, brilliant and alive, to something different. A practice, with a different feeling of love, then loss, to years to recover and healing leading to reconnection and joy. But, isn’t that the way with love? 

~Krysta

New Hampshire 

#Playfullove #selflove #spreadlove #lovestories @Maravilla_love

All Love Letters’ are pristine, posted as they were received.  Please forgive any spelling and grammar issues, since the writing was done in the throes of love, and sometimes love doesn’t care about commas or misplaced letters.

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